Dreamer Reality

11.1.2012

2012-01-11T07:12:00.001-08:00

I grew up a year older. I felt more mature, I am able to control my thoughts in front of people.
yet this thing just won't get away.
Depression is a sad thing. they come as they like and won't go away as we want them too.

4 January 2012

2012-01-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

I went for ANF interview today.
I wanted to puke, run away and cry.
Nervous.
But I stayed. I was strong. It felt better.
Still now, I feel like as if my heart is being squashed, my throat is all jam up.
I feel so depression, anxious and tense.
Pretty girls are all size 6. I am a size 12.
Double the fats and shorter too.
I am so ugly.
Thoughts kept repeating over and over in my head.

May be someday I will realised that someone will love the fuck out of me
I will learnt to love the fuck out of myself
I will be stronger and alone without the medications.
It's difficult though.

31 December 2011

2011-12-30T19:10:00.000-08:00

HI,
today is the last day of the year. I am sorry I did not blog for such a long time. Neither did i update my tumblr as many as I used to. However today I must blog, it's a special day where you are unable to get it back any more. Unless there is a time machine that allows you to travel back into the past.

We are humans, our memory capacity varies on different people. For me it varies a lot from normal human beings. I can't choose the things I wish to remember or not. Sometime, things just get lost in my memory section and recalling makes it harder to do so. However sometimes, things are easy to remember, example for a test when i forced myself to remember as much as I need to. Often the plan failed because, 1 i was too nervous or 2 I can't contain it in at all.

Then we have good memories and bad memories. Memories that are being engraved inside your head. Like the awesome times when you and your friends did something exciting or you and your family ate together without having an argument. Terrible memories like you are so sad and depress that you wish it never happened.

I can't choose what pops up in my head neither what that my brain choose to be more vivid. Often is the terrible ones.

But I wanted to say is that no matter what happens, I guess it's the memories and incident that changed you to become stronger, experience and even smarter. Yes, it's sometimes the memories that left me more depressed than nothing however after a good night sleep, everything will be fine.

So heck to the bad stuff that happens it's a new year. :)

2011-12-25T07:02:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas!

I been gone for a long time sorry.

I just don't feel like talking about my feelings here. Too tired.

20 December

2011-12-19T08:28:00.000-08:00

4 days since I have written a post here.
Did anyone miss me?
I went crazy recently. My mood fluctuates a lot. one moment I felt like caring for others next moment I felt like bring one to hell.
I came home later than usual recently because I gotten really busy. i get calls from my mum after 11 all the time or sometimes before 10. She said 19 year olds should be coming home early and not hang out of the house until midnight. For your information 11 to 12 is consider midnight.

It's choking me somehow. I have things to do and yet she does not understand me. Until the point that I will lie to her all the time. I like lying, it covers the truth. I am good at lying because it helps me get on my life better. I won't ever tell the truth.

Few days ago when my mood turns into a roller coaster, I cried my heart out. My dad notice but he refuse to say anything. Leave it be, I am better alone.

I want to some laughing gas now.

16 December

2011-12-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

I want to dream, i want to continue dreaming about my future, dream that I will be happy, dream that this will last.

But I seem to lost hope of everything. Like no matter how much I tried to move forward I am still stuck in the same place not budging at all.

Tears form and I am grieving over my poor performance. B's are not enough, A's are the best. I did not get A all I get is B's and it's really killing me inside.

I learn to grasp hold of reality, I am never going to be good, no matter how many compliments that people said about me. I am never good, I will never be good.

Some one, please please please save me, fix me, love me. Or just fix me, please just fix me.

15 December

2011-12-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

Hi lovely,

I did not reach home at 11 today and before 1030 my mum called me. I was having a bad day. I don't know why but recently really want to cut myself. deep in the veins let the blood run. I itch for the feeling. I keep thinking about the blade at home and constantly scratch my card. did not took any notice why kept scracting it till thought of my nervous attacks.

I have this all the time when am nervous, scared, anxious and etc tend to do repeated things like biting my nails, shaking my leg (I don't shake my legs infact this is not a habit and I hate shaking legs) and even scratching. just little repeated movements. it kilkills me sometimes. And on occasions I will cut myself to calm down. cutting works all the time.

My scars are healing soon yet marks are still visible. Especially at the tighs.

!ye lovely

13 December

2011-12-13T05:12:00.000-08:00

I am too busy to blog recently.

11 December

2011-12-11T07:13:00.001-08:00

I am starting to lose interest in everything, watching shows, reading books, doing my notes and even drawing. There is always a consent thought that I suck at this and I should not continue. It hurt so bad that I am thinking this way.

I cut myself again, this time it is because I got a B. I swore I deserved an A.

I ate too much today and my head keep saying, fat, fat, fat and fat. I itch to cut 'fat' into my thighs. Not now, not now. I want to drop to size 8 by the end of next year. Drop 4 sizes should be difficult. I think skipping meals is a good idea now. Or I skip all the carbo and only soup.

Today I was thinking that I used to have nice pretty wrist until the scars came in.

I feel fat right now. I want to get a septum piercing.

my thighs look ugly, but I am satisfied.

I am getting bad to worse aren't I?

11 December

2011-12-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

2011-12-10T06:45:00.001-08:00

I am doing fine recently. I am too busy with my activities until I have forgotten to take a step back and give a moment for myself.

My cuts on my legs have not heal yet. Yesterday I itch to cut more but I stop myself. It was hard but I really tired.

My memory is failing on me. I can't remember stuff two years ago. I can't remember meeting this person so and on even they look familiar. Recalling take time and effort.

Over all, I am just lonely. Lonely for a companion, I am not afraid to say that I am envious of couple. I never been in a relationship before and I want to try. However this is one of my lest goals.

Just look at me, ugly face, fat body and no personality nor character. I am a total example of a fail teenage girl. Even chubbier people is prettier than me. I feel like I don't deserved no one and by this is killing me inside.

I need to lose tons of weight. I should avoid eating from now on.

I am dead tired from training. Bye love.

P.S I punished myself for eating nutella by cutting. I think I shall skip lunch tomorrow.

9 December.

2011-12-08T08:23:00.001-08:00

I have done it again. it hurts now when the wind blew on it.

8 December "C"

2011-12-08T07:43:00.000-08:00

I want to cut myself now.

I itch to cut so badly.

All because I got a C. I can't have a C. I need an A or B. I never gotten a lot of A's. I need As'. Why is she being so biases and not giving me an A. I answered to all her questions. I work hard. I want an A. I deserved an A.

I need to cry so bad. I need to cut so badly now.

8 December

2011-12-07T08:23:00.000-08:00

Hi,

Sorry I skipped yesterday. I was busy.

Today I felt like I am being tossed aside. I am tired of being the one for everybody and very little people are there for me.

I wish there are even people who are concerned about me. I wish they did a little more so I am assure of my presence in them. It felt like I am doing nothing at all. Every time when someone say that no one is noticing him or her.
Fact there is always someone here and there concerning you. However for my case I am serious. I am too happy go lucky to be even concern because they thought I was fine.

Truth, I am not. Not ever and ever. My insanity will drive me nuts and all I crave is a little concern.

Truth every time I gave a little concern, no one seems to notice. Fact it hurts a lot.

Now I am getting sleepy.

6 December

2011-12-05T08:25:00.000-08:00

I changed my name, Zia is hard to pronounce. Xavia is better.

6 December

2011-12-05T08:21:00.000-08:00

What am I suppose to say if I am mad, tired, upset and hurt.

I can't say it out. Stupid me.

Bottle it up like I always do. Till it's full, cry it out. Harm myself to release the tension in me. Anything but to disrupt the system of my life. I? never important for now. Till my anger, hate and sadness runs out from the cuts and the tears, I am okay.

Then there comes guilt and hiding and smiles.

See it's me that is tearing myself apart, no one to blame no one to say.

Silly me.

5 December

2011-12-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

Hey good afternoon peeps, or is it just me only here?

Recently I been feelings down. I stop watching movies, shows, drama. It's almost too painful for me to watch. May be because it's non reality that's why. I am almost afraid to step in the non fiction world. The moment I step it it's hard for me to get out of it.

May be because my life is too boring boring till i went insane. I went so deep into the dark that I lost my way of getting out. I am so ashamed of myself to find my life boring where I had the most of everything, great friends, family and money.

I think it's really my fault I turn into this. This kind of person that I never knew. i wish it did not happen, i wish i was more happy, more cheerful, more real not in the surface but inside too.

Haha, I am in school now and all I feel like is crying.

goodbye, for now.

4 December

2011-12-03T08:17:00.000-08:00

Hey morning love.

What kind of world do you live in? the crazy ones where everything you imagine is like a dream and it form to almost reality in your memories?

The realistic ones where you don't dream, you don't imagine, you rarely think about other stuff like magic or flying carpets.

Or the ones where you are stuck in between crazy and truth - like me.

Often I am in the reality world, where I keep planning the further like what am I going to do next what should I do at this time this time. Yet I imagine a lot like stuff that has never happen and it forms into my memories slot of "reality".

I am a bad organizer, that's why all my memories are in a jumble. Some times I tried to remember what I have done yesterday and I can't. Even as simple as what i have eaten. Often things I imagine or thought I did turns out not to be true like I accused my friend of telling me one of her dislikes and in the end she claim that she did not say that.

i doubt my memories most of the times. However stuff that hits me hard or has not much meaning to it is imprinted on my brain. For example stuff that hits me hard is when my mum placed my hand on a rice cooker still it left a scar. I remembered I cried and she laugh but I doubt the part she laughed.
Stuff that has no meaning to it is when I remember bouncing down the steps, ponytails flying heading to the canteen for recess.

I am always the third person in these memories. Sometimes I really hate my short term memories. Soon I will forget everyone.

Bye love, it's time for me to head to bed.

3 December "Dream"

2011-12-02T21:46:00.000-08:00

I was running as fast as possible.

It was dark, there are lots of tress, fences and street light. It's quiet there is no one expect my footsteps.

I don't know where I was, I just kept running. Sweat drip down my cheeks, I panted hard but I did not stop.

I was real scared, scared of something yet I don't know what it was. All I know that I have to run, run away from it to protect myself.

Then I woke up.

3 December

2011-12-02T08:50:00.001-08:00

I am tired world. I want to go to bed and wake up in the morning feeling tired again.

I should have pills. Pills that let me go numb instead of sad.

Where is it when i needed one? Or wait i was not prescripted one.

This really sucks

2 December

2011-12-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

Hi there.

The year is coming to another end, thanksgiving just passed, Christmas is coming. Here I am sitting on my chair with my laptop thinking about things that I have achieve. Then again my tears starts falling. I kept crying at night these few days like I need to releases something in me where I can't seem to reach it or take it out.

I have not yet achieve much things this year. I let it slip past my fingers because I was unaware how fast time flies and I am running after it.

I felt so tired chasing after it, like there is no end. I just wish it slows down a little so I can enjoy it. Soon it will be chinese new year *(Now you have a new clue, I am a chinese) again.

Now I am looking at my wrist, the scare haven't fade. My shameful secret only 2 of my friends know and the doctors. I hated the doctors. I hated cutting on my legs. I hated the way I am being question in the room. I want to die. I want time to stop so i must die. I want to be like everyone else, skinny and pretty.

I feel so tired. I can't feel myself now, i can't see. I wish I am anorexic or bulimic. So I can be prettier.

Depression

2011-12-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

Hi, is there anyone would like to change my brain and my feelings. It's a one for one exchange.

I want to forget all things things I remember. Well most of them are never good.

-- My brain works this way. I remember the bad stuff. Example how my mum burnt my hand when I was young. how I got bullied in children care. How I was always the outcast. i can't remember most of the good times, I can't remember most stuff. --

I want to feel normal and not laugh and cry all the time with reasons. I want to feel I am actually being happy and being sad. Well the irony part is I am too sad.

-- My feelings works this way. I cry at night all the time without fail. Wet eyes and tears just for 2 mins min. I always felt so depress. But in the morning, I will laugh sing and play with my friends like I am still 12. Cry at night is like a release for me and yet laughing in the morning is like a medication for my mental state. --

So who wants it?

29 November

2011-12-01T07:22:00.000-08:00

I wrote this the day before i got this blog. So i have decided to post it here for you to see.

This reality sucks. Of course it sucks, it's the truth of everything in life. We are perishing soon.

Somewhere in the world, people are going to enjoy the taste of success because of hard work or talent. The moment you are born, it's like you are given a gift. A gift that everyone wants, be is singing, dancing, brains or hand work. it's like a magic key to success sometimes fame and often the riches if you use it wisely and carefully.
For those people who aren't born with a spectacular talent, there is always looks. Looks are often another key to everything in life, model, rich husband or wife. It's like another instant elevator to paradise. Well there is brains and humour, it works the same though.

So what about the rest, talent less, plain looking and with nothing when born. There is no instant key or elevator or magic wand to achieve the thing that you want. No fame, success, riches and 5 digit pay. Even they work extra hard, they will always be one step away from the people whom seems to have everything in life. Bam! - that's reality.

The cruel and sad fact that the minute you were born, fate decide for you almost everything. The worst part is that dreaming something that won't turn to reality. Dreaming things that won't turn out the way it is even with hard work put in is the worst. Like salt rubbing in the deepest wounds with the fragile soul of us.

That's how cruel life, fact, reality can be. That's why I hated dreaming what I wish and wanted sometimes knowing I can't do anything right.

that's why I often blame myself for everything I did or did not do. I am like nothing at all or I am nothing.

Just wondering how many people will view my blog.

Hi

2011-11-30T05:58:00.000-08:00

First welcome to my blog.

My name is Zia. it's pronounce as zee - yah - it's generated from Italian. No I am not an italian and nowhere even close to it.

I am a cubby girl, schooling and in a loving family. I have great friends, somewhat the class joker and a good part time job. Basically I am pretty happy.

On the downside, I am suffering from depression. I don't talk to any one and I don't like my therapist. I don't like to talk to people who keep prying my feelings, though that is his job. I don't like to speak to people about me. I am more of a listener then a speaker.

I am like any of you guys no difference.

I am still schooling, working, doing curricular activities and hanging out with friends.

I am not pretty, not have a boyfriend before, bi sexual and probably will remain single for the rest of my life.