I grew up a year older. I felt more mature, I am able to control my thoughts in front of people.
yet this thing just won't get away.
Depression is a sad thing. they come as they like and won't go away as we want them too.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
4 January 2012
I went for ANF interview today.
I wanted to puke, run away and cry.
Nervous.
But I stayed. I was strong. It felt better.
Still now, I feel like as if my heart is being squashed, my throat is all jam up.
I feel so depression, anxious and tense.
Pretty girls are all size 6. I am a size 12.
Double the fats and shorter too.
I am so ugly.
Thoughts kept repeating over and over in my head.
May be someday I will realised that someone will love the fuck out of me
I will learnt to love the fuck out of myself
I will be stronger and alone without the medications.
It's difficult though.
I wanted to puke, run away and cry.
Nervous.
But I stayed. I was strong. It felt better.
Still now, I feel like as if my heart is being squashed, my throat is all jam up.
I feel so depression, anxious and tense.
Pretty girls are all size 6. I am a size 12.
Double the fats and shorter too.
I am so ugly.
Thoughts kept repeating over and over in my head.
May be someday I will realised that someone will love the fuck out of me
I will learnt to love the fuck out of myself
I will be stronger and alone without the medications.
It's difficult though.
Friday, 30 December 2011
31 December 2011
HI,
today is the last day of the year. I am sorry I did not blog for such a long time. Neither did i update my tumblr as many as I used to. However today I must blog, it's a special day where you are unable to get it back any more. Unless there is a time machine that allows you to travel back into the past.
We are humans, our memory capacity varies on different people. For me it varies a lot from normal human beings. I can't choose the things I wish to remember or not. Sometime, things just get lost in my memory section and recalling makes it harder to do so. However sometimes, things are easy to remember, example for a test when i forced myself to remember as much as I need to. Often the plan failed because, 1 i was too nervous or 2 I can't contain it in at all.
Then we have good memories and bad memories. Memories that are being engraved inside your head. Like the awesome times when you and your friends did something exciting or you and your family ate together without having an argument. Terrible memories like you are so sad and depress that you wish it never happened.
I can't choose what pops up in my head neither what that my brain choose to be more vivid. Often is the terrible ones.
But I wanted to say is that no matter what happens, I guess it's the memories and incident that changed you to become stronger, experience and even smarter. Yes, it's sometimes the memories that left me more depressed than nothing however after a good night sleep, everything will be fine.
So heck to the bad stuff that happens it's a new year. :)
today is the last day of the year. I am sorry I did not blog for such a long time. Neither did i update my tumblr as many as I used to. However today I must blog, it's a special day where you are unable to get it back any more. Unless there is a time machine that allows you to travel back into the past.
We are humans, our memory capacity varies on different people. For me it varies a lot from normal human beings. I can't choose the things I wish to remember or not. Sometime, things just get lost in my memory section and recalling makes it harder to do so. However sometimes, things are easy to remember, example for a test when i forced myself to remember as much as I need to. Often the plan failed because, 1 i was too nervous or 2 I can't contain it in at all.
Then we have good memories and bad memories. Memories that are being engraved inside your head. Like the awesome times when you and your friends did something exciting or you and your family ate together without having an argument. Terrible memories like you are so sad and depress that you wish it never happened.
I can't choose what pops up in my head neither what that my brain choose to be more vivid. Often is the terrible ones.
But I wanted to say is that no matter what happens, I guess it's the memories and incident that changed you to become stronger, experience and even smarter. Yes, it's sometimes the memories that left me more depressed than nothing however after a good night sleep, everything will be fine.
So heck to the bad stuff that happens it's a new year. :)
Sunday, 25 December 2011
Monday, 19 December 2011
20 December
4 days since I have written a post here.
Did anyone miss me?
I went crazy recently. My mood fluctuates a lot. one moment I felt like caring for others next moment I felt like bring one to hell.
I came home later than usual recently because I gotten really busy. i get calls from my mum after 11 all the time or sometimes before 10. She said 19 year olds should be coming home early and not hang out of the house until midnight. For your information 11 to 12 is consider midnight.
It's choking me somehow. I have things to do and yet she does not understand me. Until the point that I will lie to her all the time. I like lying, it covers the truth. I am good at lying because it helps me get on my life better. I won't ever tell the truth.
Few days ago when my mood turns into a roller coaster, I cried my heart out. My dad notice but he refuse to say anything. Leave it be, I am better alone.
I want to some laughing gas now.
Did anyone miss me?
I went crazy recently. My mood fluctuates a lot. one moment I felt like caring for others next moment I felt like bring one to hell.
I came home later than usual recently because I gotten really busy. i get calls from my mum after 11 all the time or sometimes before 10. She said 19 year olds should be coming home early and not hang out of the house until midnight. For your information 11 to 12 is consider midnight.
It's choking me somehow. I have things to do and yet she does not understand me. Until the point that I will lie to her all the time. I like lying, it covers the truth. I am good at lying because it helps me get on my life better. I won't ever tell the truth.
Few days ago when my mood turns into a roller coaster, I cried my heart out. My dad notice but he refuse to say anything. Leave it be, I am better alone.
I want to some laughing gas now.
Friday, 16 December 2011
16 December
I want to dream, i want to continue dreaming about my future, dream that I will be happy, dream that this will last.
But I seem to lost hope of everything. Like no matter how much I tried to move forward I am still stuck in the same place not budging at all.
Tears form and I am grieving over my poor performance. B's are not enough, A's are the best. I did not get A all I get is B's and it's really killing me inside.
I learn to grasp hold of reality, I am never going to be good, no matter how many compliments that people said about me. I am never good, I will never be good.
Some one, please please please save me, fix me, love me. Or just fix me, please just fix me.
But I seem to lost hope of everything. Like no matter how much I tried to move forward I am still stuck in the same place not budging at all.
Tears form and I am grieving over my poor performance. B's are not enough, A's are the best. I did not get A all I get is B's and it's really killing me inside.
I learn to grasp hold of reality, I am never going to be good, no matter how many compliments that people said about me. I am never good, I will never be good.
Some one, please please please save me, fix me, love me. Or just fix me, please just fix me.
Thursday, 15 December 2011
15 December
Hi lovely,
I did not reach home at 11 today and before 1030 my mum called me. I was having a bad day. I don't know why but recently really want to cut myself. deep in the veins let the blood run. I itch for the feeling. I keep thinking about the blade at home and constantly scratch my card. did not took any notice why kept scracting it till thought of my nervous attacks.
I have this all the time when am nervous, scared, anxious and etc tend to do repeated things like biting my nails, shaking my leg (I don't shake my legs infact this is not a habit and I hate shaking legs) and even scratching. just little repeated movements. it kilkills me sometimes. And on occasions I will cut myself to calm down. cutting works all the time.
My scars are healing soon yet marks are still visible. Especially at the tighs.
!ye lovely
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